Is separation for emotional or verbal abuse biblical?
Proverbs 22:10, “Drive out a scoffer, and strife will go out, and quarreling and abuse will cease.”
Dear CBC Family,
This week I had a very interesting interaction with a few folks from another church who asked me for some feedback concerning the issue of emotional abuse and whether that was an acceptable reason for separation.
This stemmed from a real-life situation where a woman was seeking help and was told by the elders that emotional and verbal abuses are not reasons for separation.
The following is my edited response. I pray that you find it informative and helpful should anyone you know find themselves in similar circumstances.
This type of behavior I have seen far too often over the years and it only seems to be increasing. Since abusive behaviors can polarize a congregation the most common way for churches to deal with it is to either ignore it completely or try to convince the one abused that they are overreacting and they should just “stick it out.” Sweeping things under the rug is intended to try and keep the church looking good in the eyes of the world.
Most pastors are woefully inadequate to treat, or even diagnose, emotional abuses. They refuse to acknowledge its reality or severity. Dealing with abuse isn’t taught in seminary so what generally happens is the poor women, who are victims, are sent off to other women in the church to talk to about these matters since “male pastors cannot counsel women.” This allows them to judge without even hearing a matter.
I found it quite surprising that John MacArthur would say that emotional, or mental, abuse is not a valid reason to separate. I have never heard him say that. If he did say that I think it would be a tragedy. I would expect better from him (again, IF he said such things). Many pastors will default to the position of whatever theologian they respect holds on any given subject. This allows them pass to say; MacArthur, or Sproul or _______ says……” and then hide behind someone else instead of dealing with it. Fortunately, this is not what God calls us to do. Our silence empowers the spiritual bully to continue their sinful actions.
In a 2011 study funded by the National Institute of Mental Health and by the National Institute on Drug Abuse, researchers found that our brain processes physical pain and intense social rejection in exactly the same way. The primary difference is that physical injuries usually heal. Wounds to one’s soul and spirit are longer lasting, deeper and more damaging.
When I deal with abuse, regardless of what type, I generally deal with them all in the same way. What needs to be established in these situations is whether the abuse is authentic and what steps need to be taken to prevent its continuation. Not being involved in your specific situation, or knowing all the background, I will limit my comments to whether it is acceptable to separate from an abusive spouse. The short answer is YES, OF COURSE IT IS.
Why would we tell a person who is being emotionally abused that they must stay in their marriage? Is it because being beaten by words is not serious enough to justify a biblical separation? If this same person were being beaten by fists, most pastors would not only allow for biblical separation, they’d advise it.
The following scriptures give evidence to the damage done by abusive words. “Reckless words pierce like a sword” (Proverbs 12:18) and “Who can bear a crushed spirit?” (Proverbs 18:14). When someone is stabbed with a sword, it leads to grave and often fatal injuries. The Bible says the impact of reckless words is like being stabbed and is just as injurious as physical abuse. Proverbs warns, “Life and death are in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21).
“With their words, the godless destroy their friends.” (Proverbs 11:9) Jesus likens reckless words to murder in Matthew 5.
I take the 1 Corinthians 7:15 “abandonment” text not only as a reason to separate but also to divorce. Yes, I realize the text says “unbeliever” but can we say one that one who habitually abuses another is really a brother in Christ? 1st John would simply say if a man claims to love God but hates others that “he deceives himself and the truth is not in him.”
What does it mean to say that a person abandons or deserts their spouse? Should we restrict this to the idea that they simply walk away or move out of the house? When they do walk out they are causing a breach in the marriage covenant. They are willfully refusing to honor, love, protect, and provide for their spouse.
Although the Bible doesn’t give explicitly clear definitions of what exactly constitutes abuse or desertion, I believe that “persistent and unrepentant abuse is itself a form or expression” of desertion because of the same type of “assault on the marriage covenant of one flesh.”
There are unquestionably times when the church is expected and commanded to treat a believer as an unbeliever (i.e. at the end of the Matthew 18 process of church discipline which an unrepentant abuser should be on.)
What happens when a self-professing-believing husband will not respond to church discipline? What happens when he refuses to listen to the church after the ongoing abuse of his wife? “Let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector,” (Matthew 18:17). The abusive husband is choosing time and time again to renunciate his vows. How is that different from an unbeliever who decides to pick up his bags and leave his wife once and for all (1Corinthians 7:15)? When an unbeliever abandons their spouse, Paul says the believing spouse is “not enslaved.” That is simply a legal term saying they are not bound legally to the spouse any longer.
Ongoing verbal and emotional abuse are actually against the law, again, the Bible is clear: obey civil authorities (Romans 13:1-2). Most forms of abuse are crimes. God placed civil authorities over us for the protection and order of society, including the protection of a victim of marital abuse and the society of the family.
God has great distain for “mockers” and “abusers” and “slanders” and that is exactly what an abuser is. We are to separate from them. As a pastor, I have the responsibility to oversee the flock which he has purchased with His own blood. This certainly includes to protect them. We have an obligation to protect His sheep from all enemies, without and within.
In closing look how David suffered under the merciless verbal attacks of his close friend in Psalm 55. I thought of your friend and this text came to mind.
“Listen to my prayer, O God. Do not ignore my cry for help! 2 Please listen and answer me, for I am overwhelmed by my troubles. 3 My enemies shout at me, making loud and wicked threats. They bring trouble on me and angrily hunt me down. 4 My heart pounds in my chest. The terror of death assaults me. 5 Fear and trembling overwhelm me, and I can’t stop shaking. 6 Oh, that I had wings like a dove; then I would fly away and rest! 7 I would fly far away to the quiet of the wilderness. 8 How quickly I would escape— far from this wild storm of hatred….. It is not an enemy who taunts me— I could bear that. It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me— I could have hidden from them. 13 Instead, it is you—my equal, my companion and close friend. 14 What good fellowship we once enjoyed as we walked together to the house of God.”
Marriage was made to be a good gift to us and is not intended to be the chains that hold us trapped in a lifetime of traumatic interactions. God does not intend His children to be mistreated, abused, belittled or mocked.
Proverbs 22:10 says, “Drive out a scoffer, and strife will go out, and quarreling and abuse will cease.” Clearly God’s desire is separation from the abusers both in His church and in the individuals that constitute it.”
This week we are back in Galatians 3. We have an incredible text before us.
Blessings,
Scott
Dear CBC Family,
This week I had a very interesting interaction with a few folks from another church who asked me for some feedback concerning the issue of emotional abuse and whether that was an acceptable reason for separation.
This stemmed from a real-life situation where a woman was seeking help and was told by the elders that emotional and verbal abuses are not reasons for separation.
The following is my edited response. I pray that you find it informative and helpful should anyone you know find themselves in similar circumstances.
This type of behavior I have seen far too often over the years and it only seems to be increasing. Since abusive behaviors can polarize a congregation the most common way for churches to deal with it is to either ignore it completely or try to convince the one abused that they are overreacting and they should just “stick it out.” Sweeping things under the rug is intended to try and keep the church looking good in the eyes of the world.
Most pastors are woefully inadequate to treat, or even diagnose, emotional abuses. They refuse to acknowledge its reality or severity. Dealing with abuse isn’t taught in seminary so what generally happens is the poor women, who are victims, are sent off to other women in the church to talk to about these matters since “male pastors cannot counsel women.” This allows them to judge without even hearing a matter.
I found it quite surprising that John MacArthur would say that emotional, or mental, abuse is not a valid reason to separate. I have never heard him say that. If he did say that I think it would be a tragedy. I would expect better from him (again, IF he said such things). Many pastors will default to the position of whatever theologian they respect holds on any given subject. This allows them pass to say; MacArthur, or Sproul or _______ says……” and then hide behind someone else instead of dealing with it. Fortunately, this is not what God calls us to do. Our silence empowers the spiritual bully to continue their sinful actions.
In a 2011 study funded by the National Institute of Mental Health and by the National Institute on Drug Abuse, researchers found that our brain processes physical pain and intense social rejection in exactly the same way. The primary difference is that physical injuries usually heal. Wounds to one’s soul and spirit are longer lasting, deeper and more damaging.
When I deal with abuse, regardless of what type, I generally deal with them all in the same way. What needs to be established in these situations is whether the abuse is authentic and what steps need to be taken to prevent its continuation. Not being involved in your specific situation, or knowing all the background, I will limit my comments to whether it is acceptable to separate from an abusive spouse. The short answer is YES, OF COURSE IT IS.
Why would we tell a person who is being emotionally abused that they must stay in their marriage? Is it because being beaten by words is not serious enough to justify a biblical separation? If this same person were being beaten by fists, most pastors would not only allow for biblical separation, they’d advise it.
The following scriptures give evidence to the damage done by abusive words. “Reckless words pierce like a sword” (Proverbs 12:18) and “Who can bear a crushed spirit?” (Proverbs 18:14). When someone is stabbed with a sword, it leads to grave and often fatal injuries. The Bible says the impact of reckless words is like being stabbed and is just as injurious as physical abuse. Proverbs warns, “Life and death are in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21).
“With their words, the godless destroy their friends.” (Proverbs 11:9) Jesus likens reckless words to murder in Matthew 5.
I take the 1 Corinthians 7:15 “abandonment” text not only as a reason to separate but also to divorce. Yes, I realize the text says “unbeliever” but can we say one that one who habitually abuses another is really a brother in Christ? 1st John would simply say if a man claims to love God but hates others that “he deceives himself and the truth is not in him.”
What does it mean to say that a person abandons or deserts their spouse? Should we restrict this to the idea that they simply walk away or move out of the house? When they do walk out they are causing a breach in the marriage covenant. They are willfully refusing to honor, love, protect, and provide for their spouse.
Although the Bible doesn’t give explicitly clear definitions of what exactly constitutes abuse or desertion, I believe that “persistent and unrepentant abuse is itself a form or expression” of desertion because of the same type of “assault on the marriage covenant of one flesh.”
There are unquestionably times when the church is expected and commanded to treat a believer as an unbeliever (i.e. at the end of the Matthew 18 process of church discipline which an unrepentant abuser should be on.)
What happens when a self-professing-believing husband will not respond to church discipline? What happens when he refuses to listen to the church after the ongoing abuse of his wife? “Let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector,” (Matthew 18:17). The abusive husband is choosing time and time again to renunciate his vows. How is that different from an unbeliever who decides to pick up his bags and leave his wife once and for all (1Corinthians 7:15)? When an unbeliever abandons their spouse, Paul says the believing spouse is “not enslaved.” That is simply a legal term saying they are not bound legally to the spouse any longer.
Ongoing verbal and emotional abuse are actually against the law, again, the Bible is clear: obey civil authorities (Romans 13:1-2). Most forms of abuse are crimes. God placed civil authorities over us for the protection and order of society, including the protection of a victim of marital abuse and the society of the family.
God has great distain for “mockers” and “abusers” and “slanders” and that is exactly what an abuser is. We are to separate from them. As a pastor, I have the responsibility to oversee the flock which he has purchased with His own blood. This certainly includes to protect them. We have an obligation to protect His sheep from all enemies, without and within.
In closing look how David suffered under the merciless verbal attacks of his close friend in Psalm 55. I thought of your friend and this text came to mind.
“Listen to my prayer, O God. Do not ignore my cry for help! 2 Please listen and answer me, for I am overwhelmed by my troubles. 3 My enemies shout at me, making loud and wicked threats. They bring trouble on me and angrily hunt me down. 4 My heart pounds in my chest. The terror of death assaults me. 5 Fear and trembling overwhelm me, and I can’t stop shaking. 6 Oh, that I had wings like a dove; then I would fly away and rest! 7 I would fly far away to the quiet of the wilderness. 8 How quickly I would escape— far from this wild storm of hatred….. It is not an enemy who taunts me— I could bear that. It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me— I could have hidden from them. 13 Instead, it is you—my equal, my companion and close friend. 14 What good fellowship we once enjoyed as we walked together to the house of God.”
Marriage was made to be a good gift to us and is not intended to be the chains that hold us trapped in a lifetime of traumatic interactions. God does not intend His children to be mistreated, abused, belittled or mocked.
Proverbs 22:10 says, “Drive out a scoffer, and strife will go out, and quarreling and abuse will cease.” Clearly God’s desire is separation from the abusers both in His church and in the individuals that constitute it.”
This week we are back in Galatians 3. We have an incredible text before us.
Blessings,
Scott
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